I left full-time employment to escape exhaustion. Four months later, I was self-employed and more exhausted than ever.
January was my fourth month of self-employment. In October I grabbed the opportunity with both hands. Finally, I was ‘free’. My days were mine.
By mid-January I was still self-employed but I was more exhausted than I had been in full-time work. I finally admitted that ‘free to do whatever I want’ doesn’t create energy. It creates chaos.
So, what went wrong? Yes. Wrong. I know people say it’s a journey, you’re learning, don’t be too hard on yourself. And they are right. But sometimes it’s best to say it like it is. If you don’t, then I don’t believe you are learning.
The story I told myself
For the last couple of years, I’ve wanted to be self-employed. The lure of designing my own day was strong. I wanted to work when I felt like it and plan my day to suit myself. Mid-morning runs, afternoon CrossFit, struggling to concentrate so I go for a walk. The perfect work-life balance. No more work ‘constraints’. I can follow my energy naturally.
Did you spot what was missing? Work. My day was structured around what I wanted to do. Yes, I told myself that I’d do those things when my work energy was low. That way I’m maximising my time. Really? Sounds more like I’m maximising all my non-work activities.
That’s not great. But I also had a vague notion that deadlines and objectives would reveal themselves. From where? I’d never really stopped to consider that. They’d just happen naturally.
Reality bites
As January progressed, things didn’t happen. I slowly started to accept that I’d jumped multiple steps ahead on my self-employed journey and I was exhausted. I’d started planning my days as I thought I wanted them, without earning the opportunity. For a start, how can you pay for CrossFit with no income?
I wasn’t short of ideas. Some days I had a clear vision of where I was headed. But mostly two things were happening.
Firstly, I was behaving like a magpie. All those great ideas, the one that shouted loudest got my attention. Half-finished tasks, action plans that weren’t acted on, partially written characters. Lots (and lots) of documents and spreadsheets saved on my desktop or in random folders. No system, no structure, and no progress.
Secondly, I was exhausted with the constant decision making. Having no structure to my day was draining my energy. I had a list of things I wanted to do with no order or plan on how or when I’d do them. Shall I work early then run later? Run mid-morning? Late morning? I could wait until evening.
And so, it went on. Shall I do my social posts first thing? Yes, let’s get them out the way. No, wait, first thing is good thinking time. Let’s do social content in the afternoon. Every decision sapped a little bit more of my energy.
Both were draining my energy. I needed clarity. I needed structure. A rhythm to my day. But it wasn’t coming. Nothing was revealing itself. I was in a spiral where I wasn’t really working but I also wasn’t benefitting from designing my day (or my life).
The tables turned
My energy levels were depleted, which is exactly what I work with my clients on. It’s funny, we are great at supporting and helping other people but we can’t support and help ourselves? Working with my clients, I started to see things that weren’t right in my own life. I realised that my energy patterns weren’t what I’d thought they were. My office energy was very different from my side hustle energy was very different from my self-employed energy.
I’m a morning person and crash in the afternoon. I get my second wind around 4pm and I work well in the evening. A 12-14 hour day doesn’t phase me, but I recognise that, in that time, I need a break from work. So, an 8-10 workday built around a 12-hour schedule could be interesting and is probably what I thought self-employment would look like.
In December I started intermittent fasting. I aim for a 6-7 hour eating window. Late breakfast, very light lunch, evening meal by 6pm. I felt less bloated and lost some weight. But my energy levels? Incredible. My afternoon crash doesn’t happen very often now.
This was unexpected. I’d built my entire self-employed day around that crash. But it turns out the crash wasn’t me, it was commuting, plus eating patterns plus office routine. Not commuting, different eating, and suddenly I had energy in the afternoon. Energy that I’d written off years ago.
Another big change I made in January was fixing my run time. Decision made. Energy protected. I get up at 5am every day and the first thing I do is run. I’d forgotten how much I love being out early and I had no underestimated much energy it was taking me each day to figure out when I was going to run.
Self-employed life
Being self-employed doesn’t mean you aren’t exhausted. It’s not perfect. And, I don’t have all the answers. There are still things I’m figuring out. But having more energy by adjusting my eating patterns and fixing my run time has been a relief. But, I’m testing assumptions and realising that some of the stories I’ve been telling myself, like my afternoon crash, are not true. Or, at least, they aren’t true in my ‘new life’.
Understanding what’s going on, how I’m feeling, where my energy drains are, and how life has shifted. That’s the learning. Refining is fine, but spotting when refining has evolved into energy draining procrastination is the key. My task for February is to create structure to my work week, weaving in co-working and finding ways to focus at home. Planning is crucial. This is not a day-by-day decision-making process, I need to know my plan for the week by Sunday night.
How to make this work for you
Step 1: Identify your hidden energy drains
You are looking for repeated decisions, vague timings and moments where you tell yourself ‘I’ll figure it out later’. My running decision loop is an example, but so is deciding which days I’ll be at home and which I’ll co-work. Ask yourself, what are you making the same decision about multiple times per day, or every day?
Step 2: Test your assumptions about your energy
Test the story you tell yourself. What you believe about yourself might be wrong. What if you were a morning person? I told myself I wasn’t productive in the afternoon but that wasn’t true. But things change. Ask yourself, what have you decided is true without testing it?
Step 3: Build structure that eliminates decisions
Building a structure can save your energy and remove decision making from some areas of your life. This leaves you with more energy for other areas. My 5am runs have removed that decision, and I start my work feeling more refreshed and clearer on what I want to get done. Ask yourself, what could you make automatic?
Looking ahead
I’m still working this out, one step at a time. Some weeks I get it right. Some weeks I don’t. Raising my awareness for moments where my energy feels depleted and spotting patterns in my energy levels helps me reflect on what’s going on and consider how I might do things differently. And it’s not always what I think. My afternoon crash isn’t a feature of my self-employed world and yet I assumed it would be and built my day around it. Now I know, early morning run, intermittent fasting with a lighter lunch, the afternoon looks very different. I have energy when I need it.
Want to find your energy drains? Book a call and let’s get started.
